Living with NED, Marrying Pain

Time flies. Thank goodness, because I don’t like the alternative. I just realized that I have not updated my blog in a long time. I had not intended to stop writing altogether. Rather, my focus has been on starting a new chapter in my life, closing the book on the impact that cancer had in my life. Cancer treatment, for me, is becoming a fading memory. Lessons have been learned. Changes have been made. Priorities have re-ordered themselves.

Part of being a cancer survivor involves the fear that the cancer will come back. Each new pain or symptom is cause for more tests. This fall has been filled with tests for me, ranging from a lumbar puncture, brain MRI, cervical spine MRI, and a colonoscopy. It has also been an emotional fall filled with the struggles of friends enduring the setbacks and recurrences of cancer.

One thing I’ve learned along the way is that there is no point in stressing about the tests until all the results are in. A quote from the movie, “Bridge of Spies” resonates with me. The attorney often asked the man suspected of being a spy if he was worried. The man always calmly stated, “would it help?” Nope. Worrying doesn’t help and stress is bad. My goal is to get passed the fear to get to what’s good and positive in life.

I’m happy to say that, after all the test results are in, I am still living with NED (No Evidence of Disease). I love it, and plan to keep NED around for a good, long time.

So many positive things have happened for me over the summer. I am so thankful for the opportunity to slow down and savor the positive. I spent a great deal of time re-claiming my health with the amazing women who are Team Phoenix, culminating in my first Sprint Triathlon, and lifelong friendships. I also purchase a beautiful home with my boyfriend. We had time at the lake, camping trips, motorcycle rides. I’m feeling great and looking forward to many more adventures with my family.

I am also happy to announce that I will be marrying Andy Pain, my partner in all things, on January 1st, 2016. This makes me so happy. Andy has been with me through the best and worst moments of my life, with never-ending love and support, adventure (and kitten videos). I can’t imagine a better person to spend my life with.  I can’t imagine a better way to ring in the New Year than, “Living with NED, Marrying Pain”.

Suzandy

Cancerversary

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One year ago today, I heard the words, “you have breast cancer”, forever changing my life and challenging my limits over the course of the year. I’ll never forget that day. My time on this planet became more precious that day, and my future became more fragile. Looking back brings a flood of emotion as I recall the experience of that moment in time, now altered by the lens of time and new perspective. I’ll count this year, and every year that passes, as progress towards the goal of so many survivors – stay on the right side of the percentages to become a 5-year survivor, a 10-year survivor, and on and on.

Amongst cancer survivors, this date is known as a Cancerversary. There is some debate regarding which date truly represents a Cancerversary. Some choose the day they were diagnosed. Others choose the day surgery removed the tumor and they became cancer-free. Others count their anniversary as the day they complete all active treatment. For me, there are several dates that will forever stand as milestones on this journey. I mark January 31st as my Cancerversary, the day I learned of my diagnosis, a day I will never forget. I consider February 24th as my Cancer-Free Versary, the day I became cancer free. Other dates also are permanently etched into my mind; the first day of chemo, last day of chemo, end of radiation and active treatment, reconstruction surgery.

The details from that day one year ago are as clear today as they were then. I left the doctor’s office knowing that it was not going to be good news when the doctor called me with the results of the biopsy. Too much about the appointment pointed to bad news. I was there for nearly three hours, getting images and more images; a second look, a third look. The way the doctor shook my hand when he came in the room was the way you shake hands at a funeral, with a deep empathy in his eyes. He held the nurse back from her lunch break so that we could do the biopsy right then and there, rather than scheduling for another day. As we were finishing up, the doctor said, “It doesn’t look good, but I’ve been wrong before”. Not a terribly reassuring statement, I left the appointment knowing what I had already suspected.

I expected the doctor’s call late in the afternoon, so Andy took me out to lunch to pass the time and keep my mind busy with something else. The doctor called earlier than I expected, so I barely heard the words over the din of the lunch crowd. His words confirmed the cancer. I shouldn’t have been shocked, I already knew in my gut what the doctor was going to say, but actually hearing it verbalized was a tough blow. I was thankful that Andy was there to hug me and reassure me, as he would come to do frequently over the course of the year. On the ride home, another call came in, this time from my primary care physician, with her referral to a breast surgeon, who she swore she would go to had it been her diagnosis. And, thus began the wild ride of tests, surgeries, and cancer treatment that would dominate my life for a year.

One year has passed. So much has changed. Reflecting back on why it seemed to be such a busy year, I started counting up Doctor’s appointment, which then lead me to review medicals bills. Then, for some reason, those credit card commercials with the “Priceless” theme popped into my head, (some things, money can’t buy. For everything else…).

Cancer Treatment = One year, 177 appointments, 3 hospitals, 2 surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation, hormone therapy
Medical Bills = $646,474 and counting (thank God for good health insurance)
Time lost to sickness, side effects, and recovery = 1 year
Being a Cancer Survivor = Priceless

New Year, New Chapter

New Year, New Chapter

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Goodbye 2014. You taught me a lot. I learned to get beyond my personal limitations. I learned to see the important things and set aside the unimportant or harmful. The highs were higher, and the lows were lower. I learned that I am stronger than I thought, and I learned that I am weaker than I thought, too. Everything was simply MORE. Than usual. Of course, that could just be my perspective, having had a look into the face of my own mortality.

Early in the year, when this journey still held so much of the unknown, I was not sure I would live to see another year. Dreams put off would be forever lost. Fears of leaving my young children behind were prescient. Regrets for not getting to the doctor earlier would never change the path for me, no matter how much I wanted it to change. I simply had to follow this path, one day at a time, trusting that the doctors would get me through to see another year.

What a difference a year makes. 2014 was the first year in a long time that I didn’t work myself into the ground, physically, putting off healthy habits in exchange for the need to work. Hard. Cancer was my rude wake up call. I was forced to turn my focus to reclaiming my health, whatever that took. Reclaiming healthy habits needed to be my number one priority. I made it. I am now at the conclusion of my active treatment against cancer. I can say that I am a cancer survivor, currently living with No Evidence of Disease. Now, on this first day of a new year, I am shifting my reflections towards the next chapter.

This New Year’s holds a different significance for me. I’m not one to make resolutions (that we all know won’t be kept). But I will take the opportunity to symbolically close a tough chapter, a chance to start a whole new chapter. I admit that I feel a bit lost and not sure what this new chapter will entail. I do know that I want to embrace it, and live life as fully as I can, not putting off dreams anymore to a future that may or may not come, not letting fears or hang-ups stop me. I want to find a bigger purpose for my life, a way to give back, to help other women who are facing this journey.

Andy and I have been brainstorming a lot about ways to raise funds for the programs that helped me along the way. There seem to be a lot of resources and support for women who are actively undergoing treatment, but at the end of the day, when treatment is done, lots of women are left feeling lost, depressed, suffering from PTSD and facing fears of recurrence. Most of the foundations raising funds for Breast Cancer have a strong focus on awareness, early detection, self exams and regular mammograms. That did not help me. I did not detect my cancer early. My regular mammograms did not detect my cancer at all. I never knew that there was a type of breast cancer that was not found by mammography. If I had waited until my next mammogram, I might not be here today to start this new chapter.  With this New Year, I received the gift of a second chance. I hope to make it a great one!

Happy 2015.