Comedy of Broken Pieces

Enough already! The past week has been one problem after another as my body breaks down from the strain of cancer treatment. It’s like the classic example of the driver, breathing a sigh of relief as they near home after a long drive, and then, minutes from home, they get into a car accident.

I was breathing that sigh of relief near the end of radiation, ready to be at home with a new chance at life. I am more than ready to done with doctors and hospitals and all things cancer. My body tells me otherwise. The effects of treatment keep popping up to remind me that I can’t move forward as if nothing happened. It is going to take more time and effort than that.

Monday I met with a specialist to try to find a solution for recurrent UTIs, which are exacerbated by chemotherapy-induced menopause. Tuesday was my final day of radiation, a milestone worth celebrating, to be sure. I brought a dozen donuts to St. Luke’s radiation oncology department. It was a lovely day, and I was thrilled to be done with the 7 weeks of daily trips to St. Luke’s. There were plenty of hugs and high fives. My skin seemed to be over the worst of the burns, and I was starting to heal, feeling like I was nearing the end of the long road.  I received a wonderful bottle of wine from a friend, so there was further celebration that evening.

2014-09-24 18.10.15

Wednesday I had a follow-up with the medical oncologist. Everything was looking good. Fatigue was my only complaint, yet initial blood work was showing improvements over the dropping numbers caused by chemotherapy. There were more congratulations and hugs. I donated my hats and scarves further symbolizing the end of that chapter. On my way out the door, beaming and ready to ride my motorcycle home on a beautiful fall day, the nurse stopped me and said she needed to talk to me…

Back into an exam room I went. The nurse came in to inform me that my blood work showed an elevated level of troponin, an enzyme that is released when there is damage to the heart. It is found in people who are having heart attacks. It also can occur if radiation stresses or damages the heart. So, having told me this and asking if I had any chest pain or shortness of breath, they sent me on my way with instructions to rush to the ER if I experienced any symptoms of a heart attack. NOT a reassuring thought as I strapped on my helmet and climbed onto my motorcycle for the ride home. I felt every beat of my heart on that trip.

As everything else on this road, the “not knowing” period is the worst part. Left without details, my imagination takes over and fills in the knowledge gap with worst case scenarios. In my mind, I beat cancer but surely would need a heart transplant or other extreme measure to survive the effects of the cancer treatment. The cardiologist called and I was scheduled for a heart echo-cardiogram on Friday. I do not like Friday tests. They usually mean I get stuck, waiting with my imagination, until Monday to hear the results. Thankfully, I got the call Friday afternoon assuring me that my heart was stable. Phew.
NOW, certainly I was done with hospitals and doctors for awhile. I looked forward to the upcoming weekend and a visit from a dear friend, Rania, and her boyfriend. I also was anticipating a possible road trip with my boyfriend with excitement. But (since it wouldn’t be November with orthopedic surgery) on Thursday, I had a recurrence of a sharp pain in my knee. I had already seen the surgeon for the knee pain earlier in the month and had x-rays and an exam. The next step was to have an MRI. I scheduled it and went on with RICE (Rest, Ice, Compression and Elevation), and went forward with fun plans for the weekend.


I spent a wonderful weekend with friends, reminiscing, riding motorcycles, eating out and toasting the end of cancer treatment. Then Sunday night, the neuropathy that was finally almost gone from my left foot, came back with a vengeance. By Monday morning, my left foot was terribly swollen and painful, making it difficult to walk. I scrambled around to try to see the orthopedic surgeon asap and attempted to move the MRI date up. The surgeon didn’t want to see me until he had the MRI results in, but I did eventually get the MRI rescheduled and a new appointment to see the doctor.

2014-09-28 09.57.09  2014-09-27 13.18.11

Now it is Tuesday morning, the day of the MRI. I am able to put a little more weight on my foot, but I’m still limping quite a bit. I called around to make sure nothing implanted in my body contained metal (a no-no in MRI machines). The chemo port checked out MRI safe, the IUD also was okay. Then I spoke with the surgeon’s nurse about the tissue expanders (as I affectionately call them – boob placeholders). Tissue expanders have a metal port in them which the doctor uses a magnetic on to locate the port when injecting saline. NOT MRI safe…

The beautiful weather we had all weekend left with a drastic cold front yesterday, I struggle to walk without pain, I can’t have an MRI to determine the cause of my knee pain, I’m exhausted, disheartened, and my boyfriend is leaving tomorrow for a two week trip that I had hoped to accompany him on. I’ve had better days. I am ready to move forward, get my health back, get in shape, yet, here I sit, looking around at broken pieces.

Last Round. Done.

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Tuesday, July 1st was my last round of chemotherapy! A huge milestone, no doubt, and I am happy to be able to say that the experience of chemo is behind me. Never again (I pray) will I have to sit for hours with these chemicals coursing through my body. But, I’m not cracking the champagne yet. Realistically, it is merely the last hurdle in an event that is not yet finished, and there are additional events still looming on the horizon for me. As in track and field, the last hurdle needs to be taken cleanly and the runner still needs to land firmly on their feet and sprint across the finish line.

With the hurdles behind me, the final sprint is proving more difficult than I had imagined. I have cleared many hurdles and fought for my strength between them, seemingly just in time to clear the next hurdle. But the cumulative effect of the hurdles, chemo with its side effects, has left me weak. I was prepared, mentally, for the last round to end on July 1st, but that is just the first part of the last round – I still need to land and make it to the finish line. The drugs, along with their debilitating side effects will remain in my system for another four to six weeks, at least. I did not mentally prepare myself for that, and then, yesterday, that reality made me falter.

Going into the last round, I was already anemic, on the verge of needing a blood transfusion, and profoundly fatigued. I guess I had prepared myself to breathe a sigh of relief and move forward at this point, but the side effects hit me hard again this time, throwing me off balance.

Physically, I have never felt weaker. Small tasks sap any remaining energy I might have been able to summon. I have to stop to catch my breath halfway up a flight of stairs. The long list of things I want to do each day seems insurmountable.  Digestive problems have made it difficult to eat properly. Nothing tastes right, and my appetite is off. If I chose to eat the wrong thing, I become extremely ill. I also find it really difficult to keep hydrated, which further weakens me. Body aches and bone pain make getting around a struggle, too. Lately, I have been sleeping, hard, for fifteen or so hours a day, and it’s still not enough. Unfortunately, each round requires steroids to lessen the side effects, and with that, disruptions to the sleep I crave. Without sleep, and nourishment and water, I am finding it hard to rebuild the strength I need to cross the finish line.

Emotionally, it is taking a toll on me, too. I was not prepared for the physical effects of the final round, nor their effect on me emotionally. Chemo throws the body into sudden menopause, with its accompanying emotional moments. This week, the sleeplessness, chemo-pause, dehydration and negative external forces have been more than I was ready to handle. This weekend has been particularly hard for me and a low point on this journey.

It is the Fourth of July weekend. It is perfectly beautiful summer weather, yet I feel like I’m in someone else’s surreal life. It feels like a haze is over me. Surely, I did not just go through chemotherapy. This can’t be my body struggling to do simple things. None of it seems real. I am sad to be missing the usual celebrations that I have always shared with my kids on this holiday. There will always be an empty gap where there should have been more. Andy, who has been there for me when my own strength waivers, reminded me that missing this year’s memories to focus on getting healthy will ensure many more years of memories to come. I have to keep that thought clear in my mind when I’m feeling down. My priority right now has to be on my recovery and health, so that I will be here for all of the happy memories to come in my future.

I have a month to get back on track, rebuild and recover from the hurdles of chemotherapy before tackling my next event – radiation. I’m confident that I will be ready. Today is a new day, and I feel like I am back in my own life again and ready to reach the finish line.




The Early Bird Gets the…

Freshest air, apparently.


I have always been a morning person. In fact, I prefer to be up before the sunrise. Since I moved into my new apartment, my routine has been to settle on my east facing couch with my cup of coffee and wait for the sun to rise. It’s my zen moment of each day, my chance to reflect on things, organize my thoughts and prepare myself for the chaos that usually envelopes the rest of my day.

For this reason, I have been fascinated by a particular story in the book I am reading. The book is called “Radical Remission”, and the author follows the stories of people who have beaten cancer against all odds. The story that caught my attention is about a man sent home because there was nothing more the doctors could do for him. He woke before the sunrise and was grateful for another day. Each day, he went to his rooftop to take in the sunrise, feeling that each day truly was a gift as he prepared to die. He focused on the energy from the sun and his breathing. Then he began to notice that the birds were singing well before sunrise. Curious to track when the birds began to sing, he woke earlier and earlier each day, until he discovered that they always started 42 minutes before the sun rose, even though the sun rises at a slightly different time every day. Further researching why this would be, he found that trees start photosynthesizing as soon as it gets light out, which happens to be 42 minutes before the sun rises each day, and that the birds are taking advantage of this peak time of fresh air. His take from this was that deep breathing exercises at this time of the day provides a maximum amount of oxygen.

My days and nights have been a bit mixed up lately, as I’ve struggled with insomnia, so I am usually wide awake around 3:30am. Yes, 3:30am. I like mornings, but this is a bit ridiculous, even for me. What these sleepless nights are doing, though, is provoking thoughts about the man’s theory about the birds. In the past, I recall wondering why I was hearing birds in, what felt to be, the middle of the night. Now that I am aware of this interesting fact, I am listening for the birds. Yesterday, I started hearing birds at 4:51, and sunrise was at 5:34. Today, I heard birds at 4:48 and sunrise was at 5:32. This is pretty fascinating in my opinion. Almost fascinating enough to set an alarm 52 minutes before sunrise every day to track when the birds start, as my own little scientific experiment.


But I know that sleep is also crucial to my healing, so I prefer to try to sleep when I can these days.  I’ll just put my trust in the fact that the birds know what they are doing. They are far more in tune with nature’s rhythms than most humans are.   That being said, maybe, instead of my cup of coffee while waiting for the sun to rise each day, I will open a window and focus on my deep, healing breaths.

A Bicycle, a Motorcycle, and one Margarita

A Bicycle, a Motorcycle, and one Margarita

With the pain of shingles a fading memory, I was back. Feeling ambitious, I was looking for a few fun things to do over the weekend before “spa day” numero tres tomorrow. Friday saw decent temperatures and I was feeling strong, so I decided to see how it felt to get on my bicycle. It’s important for me to stay as active as possible throughout chemo, and since my indoor exercise bike is not all that exciting, especially after a winter like this, I was beyond ready for some outdoor exercise and fresh air!!

A bit uncertain about how my upper body strength would handle the bike, I started out cautiously. That didn’t last much beyond the alley, as I was feeling strong and confident. Comforted by Andy’s encouragement, I felt like I could ride without any problems. It felt wonderful pushing the pedals through Estabrook Park. I made my way comfortably to a favorite spot along the river, where the rapids were flowing with that soothing sound that rejuvenates me. We sat at the overlook by the beer garden (no, it’s not open yet, but I will be there as soon as it is… who’s in? Melissa? Marty, with your cold, spring birthday parties?), taking in the sunshine and the scenery. We got a nice walk along the river before getting back on the bikes to head home. These are the things in life that are the healing moments for me.

The bike ride felt so good, that I decided to skip the baby steps. On Saturday, I got the motorcycle out of the garage. Cautiously at first, again, until the end of the alley, and again, with Andy there in case I needed help, it felt remarkable to get back on the bike!! Andy was a little worried, and wanted me to go up and down the alley and leave it at that, but that didn’t sound fun at all, so we decided that a ride to the new Sprecher restaurant at Bayshore to meet his mom for lunch wouldn’t be too far for a first time out. I felt so good, that I couldn’t stop smiling and bouncing up and down every time we came to a stop light! After lunch, we headed to the lakefront for a cold photo-op near the water.

1st ride since chemo 2014 2014-04-26 16.14.37

Getting on my bike was a huge milestone for me. When I first heard my diagnosis and the dizzying array of surgeries and treatments which I would be enduring, I did not think I would ride my motorcycle until the fall, if at all in 2014. I had plans for weekend motorcycle trips with friends that would have to be postponed. This made me very sad, because being on the bike is my throttle therapy!! It always cures what ails me and provides me with such joy. The thought of leaving the bike in the garage all summer was even more depressing than a cancer diagnosis.

I am committed to getting stronger through this, continuing to do the things I love to do! Now I feel confident that my goals are not out of reach.

Oh yes, and I can’t forget the one margarita, which I had on Sunday.

Here’s to hoping that the third verse is not the same as the first!

one margarita

one margarita

Port Support

I am sitting in my quiet house, remembering a special moment with a smile on my face, so I thought I would share this happy moment. Prior to my first round of chemo, I had an appointment to meet with the radiation oncologist. The wait was especially long that day, and I was nervously anticipating my first experience with chemo which was scheduled immediately after this appointment. Finally, it was my turn to head to the exam room with the nurse. We went through a long list of questions, and then it was time to get a gown on and wait for the doctor. As the nurse was leaving, I decided to show her the love notes that my kids had drawn on my skin surrounding the port where the drugs would be infused. That morning, I had asked them to write something there for me. It was my attempt to ease some of the fears they were having about their mom heading off for chemo. I told them it was “port support”. The nurse said she’d never seen anyone come in with love notes written on them before. She told me that there are special things that she sees only occasionally. Things that will forever remain in her memory. This was one of those things she said she would never forget. She was so moved that she nearly came to tears, and gave me a great, big huge. I left the appointment with such a warm, happy feeling.

Can you guess which of my creative, artistic kids wrapped the love all the way around my back?

port support

Love notes surrounding my port

port support

Bad Breaks, Set Backs, and Side Effects

That feeling of well-being that I had on Sunday morning, when the sun was rising beautifully and the birds were singing, and I momentarily felt like all was right with the world, was short lived. By Sunday afternoon, a whole new set of side effects hit me and I was right back to feeling awful. I’ll spare the details, but Sunday night was one rough night. Somehow, Monday morning I managed to wake the kids up for school. I shouted occasional commands from bed now and then to make sure they were actually getting themselves ready for school, and, miraculously, they got out the door on time. Thankfully, my wonderful next door neighbor drove them to school all week while I was down and out, and my other friends took turns shuffling them to various after school activities. I simply would not have been able to do it.

Monday afternoon I was scheduled for physical therapy. I debated about canceling, but I decided that sometimes just the act of getting out of the house and walking around in fresh air can help. I am glad I did. I definitely felt better walking out than I did walking in. Afterwards, I checked in at the Vince Lombardi Cancer Clinic to let them know how I was feeling. This was another good decision. They drew blood and found that my white blood cell count was 0. They set me up with an IV so I could rehydrate. I managed to pick the kids up on my way home. Then I collapsed on the couch. Luckily, I had a friend with me who handled groceries, laundry and dinner preparations.

Monday and Tuesday were definitely low points. I was so sick, weak and dehydrated that I could barely handle the walk from the bed to the couch and back to bed. I had to force myself to eat and was encouraged (repeatedly) to keep drinking water and gatorade. I slept a lot.

Wednesday, feeling a little better, I called and scheduled to see the oncologist. She walked into the exam room with the list of symptoms I’d been having, and said, “well, looks like you have all the side effects”. She was apologetic because, prior to chemo, she had pretty emphatically assured me that many patients don’t have any side effects, and that she would do everything possible to preemptively counter any side effects. She then went on to say that we could change up the regimen, but in her experience the best survivorship is with the current regimen. So, needless to say, I’ll have what they’re having….

We determined that it may have been a mistake to stop the steroids early (because I wasn’t sleeping). That could be the reason I experienced so many side effects. Learning from round one, we can tackle round two with this knowledge and do a couple things differently to, hopefully, make it smoother. I’ll keep up with the steroids, but add sleeping pills so I can get my beauty rest. I will get additional IV fluids for a couple of days following chemo, and I’ll stay ahead of the anti-nausea drugs. Other than that, now I know what to expect. I can do it. I know now that I will need to take offers of help from my friends the week of April 8th for round two.

Today is Thursday and, like the gloomy, cold rain outside my window, it is unpleasant. But rain, sometimes gloomy and unpleasant, is also a necessary part of any spring. The rain is here to wash away the dirt and grime of a difficult season.

rainy day

Round One – Ding

The day had arrived, Tuesday, March 18th, for round one of chemotherapy.  Part of preparing for, and, hopefully, countering the effects of chemo, involves taking steroids, beginning the day before chemo and continuing for 5 days.  I had no idea what that little pill would do to my life.  I am normally a very mellow person, falsely propped up by a nice cup of coffee each morning to get me through the day. I love my coffee.  Well, no need for coffee when steroids are involved. Steroids make me hyper.  To say the least.  Monday was productive, my most energetic day since surgery.  I cleaned the house, made dinner, prepared the slow cooker for Tuesday night’s dinner, and then, stayed up most of the night.  On the bright side, staying up all night did give me a chance to get on a discussion board to have some last minute questions answered regarding what to expect from chemo.  I figured, surely, I’ll sleep during the 4 hours chemo session.

I arrived at the hospital at 9am, and made my way up to a couple of pre-chemo appointments, that, in my opinion, could have waited.  After that, it was time to check my blood work to be sure I was really ready.  Being relatively healthy (otherwise), everything looked good.  With the IV line secured in the port, I made my way back to, as I’ve (affectionately?) named it, my “chemo-cave”.  In addition to having a great staff around me, I have to say, the facility is nice.  They have included everything one could think of to make chemotherapy a comfortable experience.  Each “cave” is fully enclosed by curtains, though I left mine open so I could look at the photographs of beautiful beaches that line the walls.  I have a reclining, heated, massage chair, personal TV, heated blankets, snacks, and a volunteer art therapist and massage therapist at the ready.  I also came prepared with a favorite blanket from home (per middle of the night advice from the discussion board), snacks, books, and my phone; complete with music, audio books, social media, etc.  But, I wouldn’t need all of that.  Surely, I would take a four hour nap.

The first med up into the IV – Steroids!  So, never mind that nap….

I got my books out and settled under my blanket.  Every so often, new things were added to the IV.  Anti-nausea meds and various other things to ease the impact of the chemo drugs.  After about an hour, the first of three chemo drugs was added to the mix.  I am getting the full package, the works, as the nurses are calling it.  TAC.  Taxotere, Adriamycin, Cyclophosphamide.  There was nothing to it.  I had anticipated more sensations, tastes or something, based on the long list of potential experiences expressed by my “chemo coach”.  I really didn’t notice anything.  So, I read my book, colored with the art therapists’ supplies, listened to some music, and had the nurse whip up some popcorn.  Time passed.  It was time to go home.  I walked out, feeling good.


My dad gave me a ride home from the hospital, but I feel that I would have been fine to drive.  My mom, my kids, and my slow cooker dinner were waiting for me at home.  Dinner hit the spot, and we went on with our usual school night routine.  Later that evening, I started to feel slightly off.  I think I may have been okay if I had been able to sleep. The minute I got in bed, my heart started pounding, my mind racing and a general crappy, nauseous, feeling started to take over.  Reminiscent of my morning sickness days, I lined up crackers and water by my bedside, and tossed and turned all night.  The day started with an overwhelming exhaustion, queasiness and a touch of wired energy.

Wednesday afternoon, it was back to the hospital for physical therapy and a shot called Nuelasta, which is given 24 hours post chemo, to boost the bone marrow to kick up production of blood cells.  The side effect of the shot is bone pain.  I am involved in a study comparing a couple different options for managing this pain. The option I am taking, apparently, is not working.

By Thursday, all of the symptoms were hitting me. This was not unexpected.  Based on everything I read and learned from the nurses and discussion boards, day 1 and 2 are controlled by the steroids, anti-nausea meds and all the rest.  Day 3, 4 and 5 are expected to be the worst.  Thursday was day 3.  On top of the exhaustion from lack of sleep, I generally felt dizzy, queasy and when the bone pain hit, it made me feel like I’d been run over by the flu.  I would compare the pain to Dengue Fever, which I had in the 90s, courtesy of a rendezvous with a mosquito in Jamaica. I’ll never forget that pain.  It felt like all of my ligaments were removed and my bones were left to clatter against one  another.  Imagine the achy joints and pains associated with the flu.  Multiply by 5.  Add a smashing headache, with a distinct pain behind the eyes, and that is Dengue Fever.  Moving hurt.  Everything hurt, actually.

Friday everything peaked.  In a nutshell, on Friday I felt like I had Dengue Fever with morning sickness, exacerbated by sleep deprivation and the pain of recovering from major surgery. It was also pizza and movie night with the kids.  I managed to make it through the movie and tuck the kids in before collapsing on the bed.  Thankfully, the kids had a fun weekend planned with their cousin, so that I can rest and rebuild.

As I write this, on day 6, I feel like I’m over the hump on my first round of chemotherapy.  It is early Sunday morning.  I am sitting on my couch, watching the sky change from black, to blue-green to pink and orange, the birds are singing, and I’m feeling alright.