Five Year Cancerversary

fiveyearsToday marks the five year anniversary of the day I heard the words nobody wants to hear. “You have cancer”. The five year “cancerversary” is a big milestone for most cancer survivors because, statistically, after five years the chances of recurrence drop significantly. For me, that part no longer applies since my cancer has already metastasized. Despite that, I’m still going to celebrate my five year survivorship. I’m still surviving. Looking back, these five years have certainly had rough spots. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that. 

These five years have also been packed with love, adventure and great experiences. Looking back, these have been some of the best years of my life. I married the love of my life. We bought a house together and built a home (We’re days away from finishing our kick-ass bathroom renovation!). We’ve become a tight family of four. I joined Team Phoenix and gained an entire family of amazing sisters. I completed two triathlons, and encouraged my kids to try it. We took an epic two month long trip (our “Familymoon”) in a vintage RV named Cliff. We camped and explored several National Parks, include some amazing places in the Canadian Rockies. We rode horses to a tea house high over Lake Louis. We’ve come face to face with a grizzly bear and her baby. We’ve ridden motorcycles through these breath-taking National Parks. We’ve slept under a meteor showers in the Badlands. We’ve hiked glaciers, stood on the edge of the Grand Canyon, sat in natural hot springs, jumped off a cliff into an icy Blue Hole, and hike to remote Cliff dwellings. I’ve been blessed. These five years with family and friends have brought me so much joy. 

Our plans for new adventures are always bubbling. We have a couple more trips planned for 2019 already and my bucket list is over-flowing with adventures I want to share with my family. I also have a few applications in for retreats that have been established for cancer patients. One includes the family and one is all about pampering little ole’ me. 

I can certainly say that cancer has changed my life in many ways. It has become cliche, but the diagnosis has made me more aware of the things that are important. It has helped me shed the things that were holding me down. It  has taught me to listen to my body and take care of my health. It has given me a sense of urgency to live fully and pack in the things I want to do and share with my family. It has taught me to say “yes” to the challenges, get-togethers, and activities, in case I don’t get another chance. (Well-except for the “Frosty 5K” race that my friends did in spite of negative 20 degree temperatures- That challenge was not for me…) It has also made me aware of my mortality (a condition all of us share). Not one of us knows how long we have to live, and nobody has an expiration date stamped on them. I now take each day as it comes and do what I can. Some are better than others, but I’m sure that’s not unique to me.

Life has become a tough balancing act, facing an incurable illness. The pains and fatigue and sickness are real. The fear of what the future holds is real. My goal is to not let that fear paralyze me. Fear won’t stop me from planning my future. Fear won’t stop me from pushing my limits. Fear won’t stop me from taking each day for what it is, good and bad. My goal is to stay strong (thank you Team Phoenix for making it a priority to be Strong, Proud, Alive and Re-Defined!!). My goal is to raise my daughters and give them the opportunities to learn and grow and explore the world. My goal is to thrive despite a cancer diagnosis. I’ll always have hope that the good days outweigh the rough days. I’ll always have hope for a cure. I’m taking it one step at a time. Today-I’m celebrating five years thriving with cancer. I hope there will be cake! (Honey-will there be cake?)

Health Insurance Blues

photo dec 16, 8 19 40 am

I have a love/hate relationship with my health insurance company. It is a necessary evil. Without it, I would be way beyond medical bankruptcy. With it, insurance providers control aspects of my health care that should be between me and my doctors. There’s not much I can do about it. In my invincible 20’s, I thought I didn’t need health insurance. I was living a very healthy lifestyle. I ate well and got plenty of exercise and sleep. I was healthy. I still am healthy, actually, except for this one thing….

As I got older, I realized I needed insurance. Now I know how lucky I am to have good health insurance. I also know the frustrations. Insurance issues are a common problem in my network of cancer patient friends. Chemo and surgery are being delay, or worse, denied by insurance companies. I understand that medical costs dictate some things, but it hurts to see women who can’t get the life-saving treatments they need because insurance companies won’t pay. The added stress dealing with insurance issues and finances is the last thing a cancer patient needs. Stress kills.

Medical costs with a life-long illness are mind boggling. I stopped adding up expenses after my first year of treatment. I left off around $600,000. Since then, I’ve had 4 more surgeries, several scans, tests, and shockingly costly chemo meds. I’m guessing that by now I’m a million dollar baby. Luckily, My insurance has covered most of my medical bills without too many headaches. This makes my current argument more frustrating. 

Last night, I tossed and turned. I was hit with a panic attack. I don’t know who dropped the ball. Somewhere between my cancer center, the pharmacy, and the insurance company, my chemo meds did not arrive on my doorstep in time for me to start my current cycle. My loving husband is much more calm and cool than I am.  He’s better at handling long waits on hold and repeated conversations that go nowhere. He has spent hours on the phone every day this week trying to get my pills for me. For some unexplained reason, the pharmacy claims we had a change of insurance and did not approve my meds. Our insurance company did not change. We did upgrade our plan as of the first of the year with a lower deductible and co-pay (still trying to avoid medical bankruptcy). The pharmacy already sent one round of pills in January, so I don’t know what the issue is. I’m angry because nobody informed me that there may be an issue with my pills. It’s my third cycle of pills, nothing new or unforeseen. 

I was supposed to start taking them on Sunday. Now it’s Wednesday, and I’m still waiting for the hospital to get a pre-authorization for the insurance company. (And my cancer clinic is closed today due to weather). In the overall scheme of things, missing a week of pills should not have a profound effect my health, I’ve been told. That’s hard to wrap my head around, though. I’ve had a rapid, positive response to this new med after only two cycles, and the delay is messing with my head. Friends have said that I’m lucky to get a nice break from side effects. True enough. Side effects suck. But I can’t help but fear that the delay is giving cancer a chance to regain a foothold. This is not something I should have to stress about. If everyone had done their jobs and got my cancer meds to me on time, or at least informed me early enough that there may be a problem so we could have started leaning on them sooner, I wouldn’t have a problem. 

I’ve had a rough seven months dealing with the effects of cancer metastasizing around my lungs and abdomen. The first line of treatment did not work and my symptoms were coming back. By fall my shortness of breath and cough started up again. The fluid around my abdomen worsened, and I had pain and a loss of appetite. Over the holidays, I lost weight that I didn’t want to lose. I was exhausted, and generally feeling ill, weak, and frail. After two rounds with my second line of treatment (the pill I’m currently waiting on), these symptoms started to improve. The cough went away. My gut no longer felt like I had a bowling ball in it. My appetite improved. The meds are working. I want my meds. I want my health.

Maybe I’m just cranky because the windchill is 55 BELOW zero.